April 2013
3 posts
jimrabbit asked: Dear Graham, How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?
1 tag
Tweak the Twerk
Kate: I'm going to be late to CheckPoint, I'm still tweaking this footage.
Graham: I totally read that as "twerking" the footage.
Kate: I still don't know what twerking is.
Graham: I believe it's urban butt-dancing.
Kate: Oh, I'm doing that too.
Graham: Good, now get back to twerk.
November 2012
1 post
1 tag
Pika Planks
Graham: Have you planked before?
Pika: Yes!
Graham: Have you planked on top of someone before?
Pika: I have.
Graham: Have you planked on top of TWO people before?
Pika: ...Let's do this!
Graham: That's the spirit.
Pika: Should I get on before or after they plank?
Morgan: Wait, you've planked on top of someone else BEFORE?
Pika: I've lead a life.
October 2012
3 posts
1 tag
Treasure Tables
Jer: Let me work out the math here...
Paul: "The DM takes 1d6 math damage."
Kathleen: "He is demoralized until the end of the next turn."
Jer: I AM demoralized by treasure tables.
1 tag
Su-Monster
Jer: A human-sized primate thing descends from the rafters.
Kathleen: Does it look like an orangutang?
Jess: OranguTAN. There's only one "G" in orangutan.
Cam: Yes. Oranutang.
Jess: ...
Cam: Goranutan?
1 tag
Loot the Room
Jer: ...also in this room are four coils of rope, three large pouches, six small pouches, 52 iron spikes—
Paul: Wait, we counted the spikes?
Jer: Little did you know you were entering The Temple of Elemental Lists!
September 2012
1 post
1 tag
Three Phrases
My grandfather once told me three phrases—concocted by he and his brother while in the army—that they figured everyone should know in as many languages as possible:
Take off all of your clothes.
My friend will pay.
What time does your husband get home?
June 2012
4 posts
Hurray for Customs!
Agent: So, you go to Seattle a lot?
Graham: Yeah, I've got a bunch of friends there.
Agent: When we're you there last?
Graham: I honestly can't remember.
Agent: Really. You can't remember two weeks ago.
Graham: What?
Agent: You caught a flight from Seattle to Burbank.
Graham: That was a 90-minute layover!
Agent: And prior to that you were in Newark?
Graham: Also a layover, coming home from a convention in Boston.
Agent: Okay. And you always take your camera with you?
Graham: Yes.
Agent: So how I do I know you're not doing illegal work down there?
Graham: How do I prove I'm not?
Agent: Take a seat over there.
"Consistent" is not "Good"
Tourist 1: The lineup at Starbucks was too long.
Tourist 2: Well did you try that Tim Horton’s place? They got good coffee.
Tourist 1: Oh yeah, they’re known for it!
Graham's Thoughts: ((No, they're known for HAVING coffee, not for it being GOOD. It is inoffensive and reliable, but not good.))
Could be Aliens?
I saw an older couple walking side-by-side today.
Her arms, rigid at her side. Her hands in fists, but the impression was not one of anger, instead one of keeping all her fingers neatly filed away.
His upper arms at his side, his lower arms bent 90°, meeting in the middle, with interleaved fingers over his lower torso. They were not rest on any sort of belly, the hands were being deliberately...
Paraphrasing from Memory
Graham (Aged 13): Yay! Disneyland! The happiest place on earth!
Mum: Well, I don't know about that.
Graham: What?
Mum: I think... I'm sure it's lovely, I'm just saying I feel there's happier places.
Graham: No, that's their motto.
Mum: Oh, well then. Still though.
May 2012
2 posts
“Why do I keep putting the butter away? Everything I’m making calls for it....”
– Kathleen
2 tags
Hold Music Blues
COMPUTER: [PLAYING A SYNTH/SAX JAZZPERIENCE]
Graham: Wow, this music is officially my JAM now.
Kathleen: Oh god, it's so bad.
Alex: Yeah, what IS this?
Kathleen: Hold music for the EA earnings call.
Alex: Oh you're on hold! I was wondering.
Kathleen: Yup. The music is piped in straight from the 1980s.
Alex: I was like, "Kathleen has way better taste in music than THIS..."
Kathleen: It is truly the peak of 80s ambient, jazzy bullshit.
Alex: I thought maybe you were being ironic?
April 2012
6 posts
2 tags
Texts with Paul
Paul: I'm in the food court or, as the French call it, "le food courté"
Graham: Isn't it "LA food courté"?
Paul: It depends on what restaurants are there. If they are girly restaurants it is "la", if it is manly places like steakhouses and burger joints then it is "le"
Graham: What if they're exceptionally girly burger joints? Like, Princess Ruffle's Fluffy Burger Castle?
Paul: It can go either way. That is why France has Académie Française, to make those kind of tough calls.
Graham: Truly, a merci-less job.
daktoathegreat asked: Have you and Paul always been a cohesive duo, or was there ever a time when one of you was more of the sidekick?
virulentruffian asked: i just want to say thank you for being an inspiration, after two years of planning my friend and I finally uploaded our first comedy video.
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
March 2012
1 post
2 tags
February 2012
6 posts
Going Away
Kathleen: I'll miss you!
Graham: You're only going to be gone for four days.
Kathleen: Can we FaceTime?
Graham: Yes.
Kathleen: Can we Skype?
Graham: Yes.
Kathleen: Can I kidnap you and take you with me?
Graham: No.
Kathleen: You never do what I want.
NOTE: (In case it's not clear, she was joking)
Starbucks vs Tim Hortons
Kathleen: Are you allowed to like both Starbucks and Tim's coffee?
Paul: Never! They are two houses, divided! One prefers their coffee burnt, the other prefers theirs bland. There's probably a third house that actually enjoys coffee.
mysticism-and-hats asked: Graham, I have to ask; what are the lrr crew's character classes, races, and alignments? I must know!
stellaphent asked: 1. Why are we not friends?! 2. Fact: You are my brother-in-law's Canadian twin.
advertcynic asked: You inspired me to take a creer in acting and im now on a degree and doing comedy sets at my local pub. I'm just now starting to write reveiws and I do owe 95% of my fantastic life now to you guys. My question is have you ever been told any huuuge success stories atributed to you guys?
“Bitches don’t know ‘bout my tacit support for a culture of male...”
– Cam
January 2012
4 posts
One Grande Butt
Graham: I'm heading to the coffee shop, what do you want?
Kathleen: A buttachino.
Graham: Is... is that a drink you just invented? What is that?
Kathleen: Well, it's a shot of espresso...
Graham: ...okay
Kathleen: Steamed milk...
Graham: ...yeah
Kathleen: ...and ...butt syrup?
Graham: What? Gross. What is butt syrup?
Kathleen: I don't know it's... syrup milked from a butt?
Graham: Ugh! That's even worse! I thought you were going to make up a drink that looked really brown or something. Like a strong mocha that was a bit sludgy.
Kathleen: Nope. Butt syrup.
Graham: I'm getting you an Africano.
Kathleen: Okay.
Noises!!
Graham: What was that?!
Kathleen: What?
Graham: That noise!! It sounded like someone knocking over a dumpster outside.
Kathleen: It was the drums from the main menu sound in Skyrim.
Graham: All right, I'm dumb then.
December 2011
4 posts
No Fucks
Graham: Your cat doesn't give a fuck. In fact I don't think he could give less of a fuck.
Kathleen: He actually emits a Fuck Dampening Field.
Alex: It actively reduces the amount of fucks given by those in a radius around him.
Kathleen: "Hey let's go get food somewhere! No, wait, let's just sit here and eat our shoes..."
“I don’t believe the necessary scientific equipment has been invented, that...”
– Graham, on drivers in Vancouver
Survey
Kathleen: Oh hey, so while you were playing Magic I took an impromptu survey, and out of everyone polled we agreed you were the cutest.
Graham: How big was your sample size exactly?
Kathleen: I'm not going to lie to you and say that the sample was the biggest I could have gotten, but the results were still 100% and I think that speaks to something.
Graham: It sure does.
Kathleen: It may speak to my poor understanding of statistics.
November 2011
1 post
Checkout Aisle
Graham: Why are there three Oprahs on the cover of Oprah magazine? There's simply no call for that much Oprah.
Kathleen: Wow, you're right! It as the elder gods fortold: That the three Oprahs would align...
Graham: And perform the dance that will end the earth.
Kathleen: I wonder if we get cars.
October 2011
4 posts
jackslack asked: Re: Starbucks; is Canada's coffee shop situation really as dire as the USA's? And how on earth are either of your countries both so in need of coffee shops? Do you not have cafés, or anywhere better than Starbucks?
"We Proudly Brew Starbucks"
No. No you don’t.
You’re… OKAY with brewing Starbucks, but it’s not a point of pride for you, let’s be honest.
If you roasted your own beans and brewed THAT coffee, you’d be dead proud, and rightly so!
But you’re not proud of trucking in the bitter Wonder Bread of coffee and serving that because you can’t find a better alternative.
It’s...
Sometimes They're Less Impressive
Graham: How did you just pocket-call me with an iPhone?!
James: Penis.
Graham: Ah.
James and I have the best texts
James: I've got a problem. I'm in the car, on the way home with Ashley and I just pooped my pants. What do I do? She's gonna notice eventually.
Graham: Suggest a Tim Horton's run? Act like you just saw Bigfoot and need to run into the woods? Pop the lock, then tuck and roll?
James: Ooooooo. I like the Bigfoot one. I'll let you know how it goes.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
James: Awkward. I got into the woods to clean up, but I actually ran into Bigfoot. Now he's carrying me back to his cave. FML. Any suggestions?
Graham: Shit yourself again.
James: I got nothing left!
Graham: Hmm. Distract him with a performance of pop-locking. He doesn't know what robots are, it'll confuse him.
James: I like it. I'm a little rusty, but they don't call me the pop-locking maniac for nothing.
TEN MINUTES LATER
James: Door-locking maniac. They call me the DOOR-locking maniac. I'm terrible at pop-locking. He interpreted it as a mating dance and I've now been sexually assaulted by Bigfoot. I'm going to go cry by this tree for a while. Tell the world my story.
Graham: The bards will sing your name.
James: Now there's a song I would love to hear. "Who wants me to sing the tale of James and the day he pooped his pants and got rapped by Bigfoot!?"
Graham: ...
James: Raped. Raped by Bigfoot.
Graham: It SHOULD be a rap.
September 2011
7 posts
Bears
Paul: Where are the headphones?
Graham: I know they're here, I brought them up-bears.
Paul: Are we just replacing random words with "bears" now?
Andy: I don't think bears.
Paul: Oh, good. I was bears there for a second.
mammothman1891 asked: When can I expect to hear more LoadingReadyWub? I heard your marvellous take on dubstep, and now I am hooked.
Poison
Graham: Sketching on our outgoing mail is how Alex expresses his boredom.
Alex: Yes. That and also I've poisoned you all.
Graham: Oh.
Alex: But I won't tell you where!
Graham: In the butt?
Alex: ...
Graham: It's in the butt, isn't it?
Alex: Well, it's no FUN if you can just GUESS right away!
Graham: Should've thought of that before poisoning us all in the butt.
Granola
Graham: Can you replace that cereal you ate? I needs ma Harvest Crunch.
Alex: Sure.
Graham: Woo! Cereaaaaalll!!!
Alex: Jesus Christ, it's just granola.
Graham: NEED GRANOLA IN MY FACE!
Holla
Alex: Holla.
Graham: Holla holla, get dollas.
Alex: Oh. Is that how it works?
Graham: As far as I can tell.
Alex: Cool.
Graham: I don't know that it's a 1-to-1 correlation, mind you. I wouldn't just go outside and start hollering.
Pineapple
Graham: Are we seriously discussing the feasibility of piloting a pineapple in someone's butthole?
Cam: There must be a term for that.
Kathleen: What, like, "anappling"?
Cam: No no, a term, like "The Hawaiian Passport."
Kathleen: And so it shall be.
Lower Lip Tattoos
Kathleen: I want to work public relations for a big company, and when the staff comes down to see the hot blond in PR, I'm like, "She's not here but the scary brunette is!" and then I flip my lower lip down and it just says, "I'm taken."
Graham: Wow. "Things to Not Get Tattooed on Your Lower Lip"
Kathleen: What, like, "I like anuses?"
Alex: "Dentists make me horny."
Cam: "If you can read this, please don't eat me."
Graham: This sounds like a solid plan.
August 2011
3 posts
“Before eating any food, one should always ask oneself, ‘Can I put sriracha...”
– Kathleen
ch4llen asked: Did you go to the soccer world cup last year in South Africa and how many Vuvuzela's did you bring back with you?
Success
Alex: Bye guys! Back in 10 days.
Graham: Best of luck with your project, dude!
Alex: Thanks!
Kathleen: Yeah! Get out there and punch success in the dick!
Alex: And then Success decides, "Oh god, I'm never coming to your house!" ...assuming Success is like Santa Claus or something.
Graham: You know, in England they call Success "Father Prosperity".
